so, i have finals coming up and most likely i won't have time foe ne long posts or really nething that requires thinking.  instead, i'm going to poste lines from a book called "crank" (ellen hopkins) that i'm reading in the few spare minutes i have.

you fly until you crash

two
days,
two
nights,
no
sleep,
no
food,
come
down
off
the
monster,

you

crash

real

hard.

so it's thanksgiving break and i've been home for about 3 days now.  as much as i don't particularly like morgantown, i've grown fond of life there, even if it is lack there of.  It's always study, take a test, and study some more.  but i'm ok with that; this is a choice that i have made, and so far i am happy with that choice.  because i've gotten so used to that, i don't have a particular desire to travel back "home".  sure i miss my family, but we grow up and move away for a reason.  by this point in time i think most people have grown tired of life under ur parents roof; maybe it's just me though, i don't know. 

i enjoy being able to get away from things.  I guess i had hoped that's what this week would do.  despite what i just said about being home, i thought that maybe spending a week here would clear my mind.  it's deer season; i've often in the past been able to spend time out in the woods and not had to focus on anything but my surroundings.  this year it just doesn't seem the same though.  my heart's not in it and i can't keep my mind clear.  I had also hoped to get alot of studying done this week so i won't have to bust my ass this coming week to do well on finals.  studying hasn't happened yet.  i've pretty much found anything i could do to keep myself from studying.  in my mind i came here to get away from that, and if i'm going to spend my time studying, why did i even come home.  by studying here, it's putting my mind back in with everything else that's been occuring lately.

i have my mind stuck on someone and i'm not sure why.  well, techincally i do know why.  she's pretty, smart, funny, not afraid to be herself..all around great girl.  she may read this..she may not.  i don't even know if she knows it's here; if so, hello.....  in my mind, i feel like we have something going on.  we're able to talk constantly, she has opened my eyes to new music that i'd never even heard of, and probably would've never given a chance had i not been told to listen; and i love music, so kudos to that.  i've really not noticed nething negative...not once.  and yet there's something in her that won't allow anything to occur between us.  and it's not like i want to force somethin to happen..god no..that's the last thing i'd want to do; how can neone ever be comfortable in a situation like that.  but i'd like to know her thoughts on me.  she knows how i feel about her.  i'm ok with things being slow (hell with my life right now i don't know if nething else is possible) and maybe that's my problem, maybe this is still to fast...but i would like to know if nething might even be possible; if she feels nething at all.  maybe i'm too concerned about this....given my current state of mind, that's probably the case, but it's kinda hard to control what you think.  i guess i am just kept constantly confused.  cause we act one way, but to talk about it, "oh, no, there's nothing going on".  i'm sure it didn't mean nething, but i got kissed during the cab ride home the other night; even though there were other ppl around, it still happened...what does that mean.....and this was even after being told to "be her boyfriend" to keep the creeper bar guy away.  let's be honest, i couldn't have been happier to do so, but at the same time that's just extremely sad....i always convince myself to be pretty optimistic about life..who knows though.   after all that i wanted to walk her to her door, and of course we end up talking about it for hours (i think it was hours at least, i kinda lost all sense of time at that point of the night).  and of course like always, same response, nothing's happening.  i feel like she is forcing nething that could happen back.  but maybe that's a wrong assumption.  though i feel like i can typically read things pretty well.  and to make it even more confusing, of course i had to get sick, so sometime during that night i spent some time in the bathroom.  then when i finally got up to leave, she was asleep, half on / half off the bed..lol.  i woke her to make sure she was ok, asked if she wanted help getting into bed (she said no she was fine), so i said ok, i was going to go; at which point my arm gets grabbed and i'm told not to go (bear in mind, this is after that fact that i was told i couldn't stay there).  i thought about just staying.  honeslty i really wanted to, but i believe in sticking to your word.  and i told her i wouldn't earlier, so despite my want, i left. 

i should probably stop ranting now.  i think that just about covered all of my current thoughts...oh, wait, i lied, there was one more.  i got told to date other ppl.  which maybe i should try to do; it'll probably help.  but at the same time, i'm not gonna stop liking her just because of that.  and if you're trying to date someone, shouldn't you go into that with at least the potential for more?  how can i look for potential with one person, if i know in the back of mind i want to be with someone, even if that is just momentarily and u really have no idea what will happen....my mind's just running in circles...cycling through over and over again.....but that's enough.  who knows what will happen if this gets read.  heck, no one could read this.  but i guess i don't know.  but what's the point of writing on here, if not for the chance of neone else reading it........until next time

so, i feel like i've come to a standstill again.  every time i feel that i'm moving on in life, something else grabs me and holds me back again; then i spend forever working my way past it and building up the strength and courage to move on.  i kinda feel like this is my achilles heel.  it's not that i'm close minded or anything like that.  i'm actually pretty easy going and open to just about anything.  but for some reason, i tend to get focused on one thing at a time; and then when i'm trying to exert my focus elsewhere, i just keep getting drawn back becuase it's always circulating in my brain..and it causes me to loose focus on what needs to be done at the present...kind of like right now, i should still be studying, but i knew i had to get this down at somepoint tonight...maybe it'll help me sleep better...maybe this will get these thoughts out of my head so that they won't be running rampent when i try to close my eyes....doubtful though..i won't hold out for that expectation.

why do i always develop this type of "tunnel vision".  like i said, generally that's not me.  but something catches my attention...then i become attracted to it and it just sort of builds and builds, until it takes over.  i think i do fairly well at hiding these things though...maybe that's another reason i don't sleep any more   lol...i was never the one to dwell on things before; everyone always came to me to talk to me about their issues...again, maybe that's why i'm so drawn to this...this time it's not coming me; though i feel like there's something there.  alot of things that i don't know about, that maybe if i knew, i could make sense of things...but then again, who knows...i have been tending to read too far into things recently....maybe i should just someone block this from my mind and move on (ha..likely).  i don't want to though...i can't explain why...but i'm intrigued...i want to know more..i want to understand and either be proven right and somehow (very, very surprisingly) be proven wrong....but i really don't think i'm wrong in this case...i think there's some sort of barrier holding you back from escaping...i can't figure out what it is...or how to break it.....but some time..and somehow...i will...